"It wasn’t until October 2022, 10 months after my mom passed away, that I said goodbye. I went on a 6-day silent retreat at the Crestone Mountain Zen Center. There I lived the meaning of the Enso (Zen circle of togetherness) through daily meditation and reflection. Three Ensos came to life in the form of art: Grief, Calm, and Saying Goodbye."
This is my story of transformation: from grief to calm to saying goodbye.
Margo will hold a reception at 4pm on December 3rd to discuss art and transformation. The solo show will run through December at the Vail Public Library. The exhibit includes her three Ensos and additional transformational pieces of art created right here in our valley.
My mom passed away December 2022 after a long battle with dementia. We were so busy taking care of her, and making care plans, then funeral arrangements during that time. It became factual and mechanical. Like a news story: “My mom passed away about a year ago after a long battle with dementia.”
Then sadly her husband passed just three months later. Again, a flurry of arrangements for the funeral, double internment, estate sale, and a celebration of life. And then my beloved mother-in-law passed just a few months after that.
In October 2022, 10 months after mom died, I was able to say goodbye. The Crestone Mountain Zen Center was gracious enough to offer an artist residency for me: A small cabin with just enough room to set up.
There I sat in my little cabin, looking out the window at a pretty boring view of the San Luis Valley. As I participated in meditation and fiddled around with my art supplies, I drew a blank. I mean, was I going to paint THIS scene? Which I did. And it turned out OK. But not inspirational. Then, I noticed a photo on the wall of my cabin. It was of an Enso (the Zen circle of togetherness).
A plan was forming! I thought "certainly there has been a lot of togetherness over our shared grief!" And the first Enso came to life: Grief. Teardrops and all.
Notice the horizon line. That was indeed influenced by my San Luis Valley view.
This painting is intended to feel disturbing and complex. Yet I used calming colors. To demonstrate that grief also contains hope of a peaceful tomorrow.
Check out the Vail Library Show running from Dec 3 at 4pm through the end of the year. Open during regular library hours. The exhibit tells the story of the Ensos: Calm and Saying Goodbye as well as my process of my traditional art to gallery finishes.
The morning prayer bell woke us up around 5am. We all congregated in the Zendo for morning meditation and the Buddhist ceremony, Zazen. The first time I attended was in the evening. There we were, a small group of people staying at the Zen center and the monks. Zazen took place in their beautiful Zendo building. We sat motionlessly for 40 minutes. This is not a guided practice. Instead, it provides healing energy to go deep. Which is what I did fairly easily. I know sitting completely motionless for such a long time may seem impossible. But in that environment it was easy! A calm I've never known. Oh Calm!!! Yes, that shall be my next Enso!!
On the fifth day of the retreat, I visited the nearby Karmapa Stupa after a long hike. It was a beautiful day and I looked forward to sitting peacefully. There was just one other woman there. She appeared to be crying and praying at the same time. I tried not to look. But I just had to watch her! I thought "she must be saying goodbye to a loved one."
Wait a second, I could do that too! "Mom, I love you. I miss you. Thanks for the inspiration. Sorry, so sorry, you suffered for so long. Ummmm Goodbye." No tears, just a peace and knowing.
I wondered what I could do as a tribute to her. My mom was a devout Catholic. Her lifelong advise was "Keep The Faith." I made a promise to her: return to the Catholic faith. When I came home, I joined the local parish and have begun attending church. My third and final Enso came into focus: Saying Goodbye.
The three Ensos are 18x24" oil paintings on canvas and not for sale.
More about the Enso
Photo Attribution: Spoktu, CC BY-SA 3.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0>, via Wikimedia Commons. https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Zazen_bell_with_Enso_in_Background.jpg